wooly mammoth dinner tyme

Ultra Romantic Traditions...

2009-12-23T23:04:00.001-05:00

TTT Tiki Tech

2009-07-29T12:08:00.010-04:00

Fabian Cancellara's younger half-brother Tiki Collinsworth's custom Romancer TT helmet.

In preparation for the upcoming Texas State Championship Team Time Trial, Team Wooly Mammoth has been working with a team of Ukrainian scientists on more than just their doping program. In conjunction with Romancer's Olympic Rollerblade Racing R&D team, TWM has designed an ultra provocative helmet composed of fossilized mammoth ribs. Testing has already shown that it provides the ultimate aerodynamic style advantage over the competition, and wind tunnel tests have also produced spectacular numbers.

Aero and Provocative have never meshed so perfectly to illicit arousal.

Arousal figures have been off the charts and were demonstrated last year by TWM's secret testing which drew moans of approval from women and fancy men along the road. These figures were further backed up by a massive spike in the number of well endowed, incredibly handsome, illegitimate babies born in surrounding counties for 2009.

Feminine Bombast

2009-06-22T22:54:00.020-04:00

The future of Team Wooly Mammoth: the unstoppable Katiki Forrest.

In a supreme display of WOOLY force not witnessed since the early days of the Pleistocene period when Mammoths roamed freely across vast tundras while homosapiens were still grovelling in caves, Katiki Forrest rampaged to victory on Saturday in the quaint village known as Copperas Cove.

Forrest was aided on her journey to glory by the hard work of Jessica Russell who managed an 8th place finish after dutifully helping to annihilate the women's field during a brutally hot and windy race.

The race played out pretty much as most Texas races do when Team Wooly Mammoth is present- the field was at once terrified and intrigued by the savage power which Forrest and Russell displayed along their march to victory.

Russell utilized this "shock and awe" effect to perfection by going to the front of the pack early to ride any naysayers into submission. The intimidation worked as Forrest joined her at the front of the whittled down field and proceeded to finish everyone else off, with the exception of one lone competitor. And Forrest had plans for her.

Forrest trained in the same extreme conditions she was likely to see at Copperas Cove, and it paid off.

As the finish line approached, the Wooly Mammoth newcomer took the win in style, narrowly edging out her rival on the line. "Winning on a solo break is overrated, I wanted to give the fans something to remember... so I let that Rockwall Cycling rider tag along for the last few miles, but when it came down to the sprint," Forrest said, "I wasn't going to be denied... and she knew it."

Once she crossed the line Forrest gestured first to the Mammoth on her immaculate jersey, and then slapped her sculpted quads before pointing skyward. "I just want Betty's femur to know how much it's missed. We could have used its help today," she said, referring to teammate Betty Hodges' broken femur which prematurely ended her season.

Hodges injured her femur while stagediving at a Chastity concert in Budapest last month during a Kenny Loggins cover at the close of an epic three hour set.

Once she had dedicated the win to Hodges' femur, Forrest quickly ducked the doping control and headed back to the motherland with her trophy strapped to the top of the team car and the prize winnings overflowing the trunk.

Tino's Tots

2009-05-06T19:24:00.005-04:00

Tattiano poses with the children. Surely the biggest moment of their young lives.

Known more for his fast finishes, fast women, and fast departures from hilly stage races, young sprinting sensation and first year Team Wooly Mammoth racer Tino Tattiano has recently embarked on a public campaign to help underprivileged youth from all over the world.

This high profile charity dubbed "Tino's Tots" uses funding from fans who give generously via the PayPal link on TWM's website to pay a full time stylist to help unfortunate kids with horrible hairstyles.

"Hair is a symbol of who you are," Tattiano explained, "it is hard for me to look upon the pathetic styles these parents give their kids and not want to do everything in my power to make a change- either in the length of the bangs or the swoop of the neck taper. You would be appalled at the neglect such young and promising follicles are subjected to... many of the delicate, fragile hairs on these precious young heads have yet to taste a high quality conditioner, or a simple hot oil treatment!"

The sprightly Ethan Frost shows off his recent

cut and mousse application courtesy of Tino's Tots.

A visibly upset, yet passionate Tattiano finished the press conference, attended by hordes of his adoring fans, with the touchingly humble statement, "these are basic needs. I'm just trying to show these kids that grooming builds confidence which is fundamental to physical well being... ask Cipo." With glassy eyes and a mournful sigh, the young superstar quietly muttered, "I'm no hero... I'm merely continuing the grand traditions of my idols Vidal Sassoon and Paul Mitchell, who were true philanthropists."

Tattiano has also launched a brand new website with dozens of photos of the children he's planning on helping through this benefit.

Al 13

2009-04-22T22:44:00.020-04:00

This season Team Wooly Mammoth's racers have been turning heads with not only their highly erotic kits, but also with their Ukrainian made Romancer steeds nestled betwixt their heavily oiled legs.

The Romancer frame model, dubbed "the Provocateur", is made of an ultra space age polymer known as Al-u-minium, which is the first time this material has been used in any application outside of the aerospace field. The Al-u-minium used on all TWM Provocateur frames came from an abandoned MiG29 factory outside of Kiev.

Romancer's master frame builders together with a team of engineers worked closely alongside TWM racers to come up with a sprinting machine with the handling characteristics of a katana sword, the stiffness of Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa's male member, and the sensual lines of a Michelangelo sculpture.

This thoroughbred racing weapon is finished in a super lightweight paint also previously known only in the aerospace field for its anti corrosion characteristics, its aerodynamic properties, and its ability to slip undetected past enemy radar.

Provocative

2009-01-25T23:52:00.005-05:00

Team Wooly Mammoth Junior Team Captain Jaime Dayo, Patricio Newellta's hand-chosen protégé, poses for his hero card at the conclusion of the team's annual training camp which was held this year in the Mammoths' native Norwalia. Following the grueling team camp, riders greeted the press in their new kits for the 2009 race season and an impromptu photo frenzy ensued. Even the press was enamored by the audacity of the new kit design, which Team Captains Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa and Patricio Newellta said stemmed from, "a desire for the kits to match all the gold medals which adorn our riders necks throughout each season." Desire Indeed...

2009 Team Wooly Mammoth Kit Spy Photo

2009-01-16T08:56:00.001-05:00

Romance Tradition Ultra Podcast

2008-10-27T21:05:00.003-04:00

Seduction...Let our weekly cycling podcast seduce you.... Click here to view episodes.

Romance Tradition Ultra Podcast

2008-09-22T19:11:00.007-04:00

In an attempt to further Team Wooly Mammoth's international image, as well as to try and satisfy the rabid tifosi's desire for more cycling knowledge and wisdom, your team captains have accepted an exclusive deal with a Ukrainian broadcasting company to podcast weekly on iTunes. The exact contract specifics cannot be made public, but it is rumored your captains will be paid in eastern European figure skaters.
The podcast will include lengthy discussions on the current state of European professional cycling, quaintness, handsomeness, and of course predictions followed by reports of the dominance of TWM in the 09 campaign. Please enjoy. Romance...Tradition...Ultra...

Team Photos by Heidi Knighto

2008-09-21T17:21:00.010-04:00

Spain is visited by the most stunningly bombastic team in professional cycling.

September 2nd 2008, the Spanish town of Mallorca: Six Mikoyan MiG-35 's, leased via RPM in conjunction with the Russian government, land surfside. These tuned fighter jets (much like the tuned racers piloting them) unload a 500kg laser-guided bomb of handsomeness upon the unsuspecting, but visibly aroused, locals.

Five minutes later the team, dressed in full kit, hit the surrounding countryside for a short, but provocative photo shoot. Much haste was made as Team Wooly Mammoth collaborators and close personal friends, Secret Sphere, were playing a beach concert in Wheelarosa's home town later that evening... So, once strapped back into their MiGs, it was off to San Juan, Puerto Rico with a short stop in La Ceja, Columbia to re-fuel on the white stuff.

Although I agree the pictures of the team look stunning, I still refuse to replace our home page picture:
It is my humble opinion that the picture above is the best picture ever taken. Although we were piloting an older Mikoyan MiG-29 back then, we had a great time chasing bogeys and playing with the boys.

Secret Sphere

2008-09-15T12:26:00.012-04:00

Due to Chastity's disappearance from the European music scene and rumored spiritual quest involving the search for his shared Navajo ancestry with Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa, Team Wooly Mammoth has been linked with Italian fantasy metal supergroup Secret Sphere on a number of future projects. The two organizations became familiar with one another on Secret Sphere's "Norwalian Attack Tour of 08" and have been seen partying together in discotheques from Budapest to Kiev. Here is a look, a sneak peak if you will, into what the future might look and sound like:

Notes From the Tundra

2008-09-14T21:36:00.014-04:00

"We agree we look stunning!" Team Captains Patricio Newellta and Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa stop for a snapshot atop the highest peak on the eastern seaboard - Mount Mitchell outside Asheville, North Carolina on their way to New England .

Dear Mammoths,
Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa and myself have been busy testing fabric samples from all of Europe's top-end textile plants in an effort to secure a more provocative and sensual weave for Team Wooly Mammoth's '09 kits. The team's arctic rainbow livery will undergo a traditional face lift before the start of next season, and I'm confident the team and the tifosi, as well as the ever present podium girls, will be heavily aroused by the results.

Aside from meeting with the textile companies and designers, shagging the exquisite models who accompany them, and exploring the benefits of Norwalian sauna-pilates, we have also been surveying the lovely New England countryside on a quest for quaintness. This quest has included a dirt road jaunt on cross bikes, along with several road rides amongst the Saltboxes, Capes, and Victorians which make up the seaside communities where we've been logging extensive base miles.

I'm also happy to report women's team captain Ammia Moralezini has embarked on yet another amazing doping program of Costa Rican EPO and has been spotted wrestling a wild black pumar three times a night to keep the sludge in her veins pumping. According to eyewitness accounts Moralezini's estrogen levels are also in the negative and her sex is now questionable due to the powerful Ukrainian testosterone supplements injected nightly by Wheelarosa.

As the '09 campaign looms on the horizon and the planning and expectations begin to take shape, only one thing is clear... and it's certainly not going to be our urine samples, but rather a return to our traditional mantra of winning handsomely at all costs. ///Patricio Newellta

Victory Was Ours...

2008-07-31T17:38:00.003-04:00

"The days before dope control" he mutters with a glint in his eye...

Mellow Johnny's

2008-05-13T09:42:00.010-04:00

"Mickey" and Newellta pose with TWM fan, Armstrong, last Friday night.

After years of repeatedly rejecting famed cycling legend Lance Armstrong's requests to join Team Wooly Mammoth, the cycling world was shocked by the appearance of a few select members of TWM at a VIP party thrown at the grand opening of Armstrong's new Austin bike shop "Mellow Johnny's" on Saturday evening.

Armstrong, who placed 2nd to TWM team captain Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa in the 2006 Waco Invitational, simply wasn't a well rounded enough rider for the dominant boys in white and thus was never given a chance to ride in the famed livery of the Arctic Rainbow.

PR spokesman for TWM and onetime Armstong confidant, Matthew McConaughey, said, "He hadn't ridden a spring classic in years and he refused to race the Giro or more importantly путешествие Ukraine (Tour of the Ukraine), why would we want him on the team?"

Newellta searching for a glow in the dark mid-range driver frisbee before realizing he was at a bike shoppe.

As jubilant female screaming reverberated throughout the party heralding the arrival of the TWM racers, speculation among the tifosi erupted about whether or not the often confused Woolys were invited guests or indeed just lost and looking to score some of the sticky stuff- along with some disc golf supplies at "Mellow Johnny's". The college look is just catching on in the Wooly's eastern European motherland, and team members were overjoyed at the opportunity to visit world college headquarters- Austin, Texas.

This speculation was later quelled when McConaughey announced that the team members would be signing autographs for the VIP party guests. "It's part of our standard 150,000 euro and 3 Kilos of cocaine appearance agreement that we sign autographs and regale our adoring fans with stories of our valor, bombast, and of course our sexual prowess," Team Captain Patricio Newellta said, "Not that we need 150 grand in the coffers after the incredible season we had, but those euros and white stuff will go a long way towards Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa's fashion stipend for next season."

Armstrong seemed pleased the Woolys were available to help launch his new business venture. "With their international appeal and solid anti-doping stance, much like my own Postal and Discovery teams, I was happy to see them here," he said.

TWM Strikes Gold At Pace Bend

2008-02-29T16:05:00.002-05:00

Adamo Gatas, Patricio Newellta and Jerado Believerini command the peleton at Pace Bend last Sunday

HOT kits, HOT quads, HOT wins and HOT weather…the calling card of the undefeated Wooly Mammoth boys, crusading class and bombast in their Texas spring campaign. This is what the fans come out in droves for…this is what makes the Arctic Rainbow legendary. So far this season, however, even the rookie Wooly Mammoth fan could not help but wonder, "Where are the Captains? The Golden Gods? Where are Juan-Benedicto Wheelarosa XVI and Patricio Newellta?"

The tifosi have been rabidly scouring central Texas for Wheelarosa who finally resurfaced in his native New England with a pledge to race a strictly Northern race calender this year starting with the early season Ronde de Bethel this weekend in the quaint yet brutal hamlet of Bethel, Connecticut.

As for Capt. Newellta, he has been plagued by a shoulder and groin injury accompanied by a particularly nasty strain of syphilis he suffered in a "latest-of-the-late-nights romancing of two frisky podium girls who may or may not have been girls." Patricio was forced to undergo off-season surgery and has been training in seclusion in the mountains surrounding Chastity's Ukrainian Palace.

Recent polls show that Wooly fans worldwide have profoundly missed the sinewy, tanned quads of Mr. Newellta, matched with his perpetual hunger for victory and American women. With the lamentation has come endless fan mail to the team's Norwalian base of operations, begging for the return of their hero…their beloved Patricio!

This past weekend saw a packed racing schedule in central Texas. It was Walburg on Saturday followed by Pace Bend, the Queen of the Latina Classics on Sunday. These races were set to be just like any other race of the mild Texas spring…with an easy tempo, little media coverage, and bunch sprints that were more like meetings of the local knitting and crocheting club…that was until the tifosi got wind of the registration of none other than ol' Legs of Fire himself, Patricio Newellta.

In his first race of the 2008 season, Newellta chose to test his legs in the traditionally grueling, windy early spring classic in Walburg, Texas. He arrived with few expectations other than to finish with the pack after helping his Wooly Mammoth teammates Adamo Gatas, Giordani Yango and Davide Knighto to victory. Sadly, Yango punctured early and the hard working domestique Knighto was forced to retire with Gastroenteritis, leaving Newellta to escort Gatas to the fourth place finish amidst a strong contingent of central Texas racers. Jarodo Believerini also suffered from a touch of the Gastro which has plagued several teams so far this season, and struggled in to the finish with dignity and class.

Sunday brought about the most famous of the central Texas spring classics- Pace Bend. Newellta was hungry after assessing the competition the day before and he was eager to give the tifosi what they'd been begging for- a look at his perfectly bronzed and sculpted legs along with a victory worthy of a Chastity ballad. In an epic battle that took place on the picturesque Pace Bend Park roads, Team Wooly Mammoth stamped it's authority on central Texas Racing by surviving numerous kamikaze missions by opposing teams to take home yet another gold medal.

The day went perfectly as Yango launched attack after attack to soften the field while Gatas, Believerini, Knighto and Newellta conserved energy for the finale. When called upon, Knighto diligently drove the pace and punished the field which was already reeling from Yango's escapades off the front. Gatas, Believerini and Newellta sat in perfect position going into the last lap, and the withered field looked as if it was parting for the Wooly Mammoth boys to waltz down the finishing straight to the win. In the human chess match known to some as bike racing, looks can be deceiving, and the merciless peloton wasn't through with the boys in white just yet.

Click here to witness Believerini's fall from grace.

As the Polar Express gathered speed down the final 250 meters of the race, two separate riders tried unsuccessfully to derail the inevitable. Yes, Newellta and the Wooly Mammoth boys took home gold once again, it may not have been pretty, but it was the stuff of legend.

Click here and scroll all the way to the right for the carnage packed photo sequence and grand finale.

The Lion King Grows Tusks

2008-02-15T07:29:00.001-05:00

With rumors swirling of Italian superstar sprinter Mario Cipollini returning to either racing or consulting for the US Continental squad Rock and Republic, Cipollini himself finally emerged last week to announce a new partnership with Team Wooly Mammoth instead. He told the tifosi which had gathered to interview him as he boarded a chartered RPM Aviation Group learjet that no matter how much money Michael Ball and the Rock and Republic Racing outfit threw his way, he couldn't get over the unsightly black kits they insisted he wear. "Black looks good on my pet panther, but not on the Cipo," he said.

As he boarded the jet bound for TWM headquarters in Austin, Texas, Cipo elaborated on what he and outspoken Wooly Mammoth CEO Jonathan Benedict Wheeler discussed regarding his duties to the team. "After meeting with Benedict and their brilliant directeur sportif Patrick Newell, I think my primary role will be to mentor their young riders by demonstrating what it takes to be a true Norwalian champion. They have the tools in place to continue winning many races this season, all they need is a little advice on how to tan in the ultra fashion, how to traditionally romance podium girls...and how to keep jungle cats as pets"

The origins of this incredible union between Team Wooly Mammoth and the flamboyant former World Champion are shrouded in secrecy, however, Wheeler did confess Cipollini was originally contracted to join the team in a fashion design position, but that role was quickly scrapped. Cipo commented, "The 2008 kits and all previous incarnations are magnificent, there is nothing I would change. Everyone on the team is incredibly tall and handsome as well- I was truly shocked at the impressive sight of these guys in full livery. I immediately knew this is the future of Italian inspired cycling."

Cipo opted to wear one of his favorite kits of all time (his world champ Wooly Mammoth kit is in the works) on a recent training ride with TWM's stagiare Jarado Believerini and the young Spanish sensation Nicholai Ybarra. Cipo schooled the young riders in sprinting and worked with them in the art of descending to catch the autobus in the event they are forced to ride a mountain stage. After the training ride Cipo was quick to realize the hidden potential in the young squadra. Super Mario further hinted that he may indeed compete in a select number of races for the Wooly Mammoth boys during which he plans on leading out their already formidable sprint train.

Open Recruitment 08

2008-02-12T18:24:00.001-05:00

Team Wooly Mammoth has never lost a race. Not once. Each and every member of our elite squadra have won every race they have ever entered. The "official" results may not always reflect such dominance, but that is because they are wrong.

So, if you have what it takes, and you live in New England, then send a race resume to Capt. Wheeler. If the results show that you have not won every race you have ever entered, its OK...they mess those things up all the time.

Archive: Legs of Fire!!! TWM has their own theme song!!!

2008-02-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

As the TWM spring campaign begins, I just wanted to reiterate that we do in fact have our own theme song. Here is the original Press Release:

Ukrainian recording star "Chastity" has written and recorded a song inspired by the might of TWM. The single "Legs of Fire" is an oaken masterpiece in its own right. A ballad of grit and guts, boasting the sultry enchantment of bombast and elitism that defines TEAM WOOLY MAMMOTH. Your captains at TWM would like to thank Chastity and all the Japanese fans who have made this song and our team PLATINUM.

If that does not work, or to download click Here::

LYRICS:
The starting line's crossed over
The race has just begun
Keep pushing, pumping harder
'Till victory is won!

VERSE

You trained to win
All your muscles know the drill
The road is long but you bare an iron will
Stay strong as you climb up every hill. (you must kill)

Carbon fiber
Or perhaps Italian steel
Sways back and forth 160 PSI each wheel
Campy power ultra shifters feel so surreal. (They're ideal)

CHORUS

You know you can't stop,
you're the one who can rise to the top,
"Legs Of Fire"

Your quads are so tight
but in your heart there's a fight.
It burns with desire.

You've got the guts,
Only spoken of in songs and myth
And all the power of a WOOLY MAMMOTH
Todays the day to take first place, not fifth.

Downshifting gears
lets the competition know,
They'll never catch you 'cause they're moving way too slow
Their eyes well up, for their hearts are filled with woe. (Cause they're too slow)

CHORUS

You know you can't stop,
you're the one who can rise to the top,
"Legs Of Fire"

Your quads are so tight
but in your heart there's a fight.
It burns with desire.

Your Shoe Covers Are:

2008-02-04T20:07:00.000-05:00

TWM teams up with Campagnolo

2007-12-08T12:45:00.000-05:00

In the event you have been living in a cave for the past week, Campagnolo will be offering a special "red" shifter option to their sponsored "pros" for next season. Read more here. Campy feels that the new "red" shifters which have been fitted with stiffer internal "g" springs produce a more ultra feedback to the "professional" hand that shifts.

What is more ultra, romantic, and traditional for that matter, is that the Italian gruppo manufacturing giant has been working closely with TWM engineers to produce a very exclusive "Romance Tradition Ultra 10" Ergopower shifter. Rider feedback combined with the elegant fashion consultation from the one and only Chastity has produced a shifter that is not only strikingly handsome, but boasts the following ultra ultra features:

'g' springs which are reportedly 3 x's stiffer that the Campy "red" option currently offered to non-TWM "pros".
TWM's Norwalian engineers wowed Campagnolo's best by shaving an additional 90 grams off the already svelte standard Record gear changers.
Levers are made from a special light-weight Faberge Egg/Bald Eagle head polymer that is stealthily coated in a faux carbon finish.
TWM co-captain Jonathan Benedict Wheeler will be riding the shifters with exclusive golden fleece cashmere hoods to commemorate his heroic win of the 2006 Waco invitational.

If you are a civilian, and would like a set of these... We hired Cipo to sell a few remaining sets out the back of a dodge duster, but most likely this Guy bought them all. SO your best bet would be to buy a red paint pen and do your best to make a Campagnolo "red" knock-off. That is as cool has you can ever hope to be- an imposter to the "pros" who themselves have been outclassed yet again by the boys of the arctic rainbow. -JBW

Eastern European Training Camp 07

2007-11-30T00:23:00.000-05:00

Mallorca, Madrid, and Girona. All destinations Pro-tour teams head for when winter training camps begin. The Wooly Mammoth, however, chooses to train in the harshest conditions it can find in the Ukraine in order to toughen its riders for the coming season.

This year, team co-sponsor RPM aviation provided the transportation and the race team jumped on board one of the company's luxury learjets for the long flight to north central Ukraine for some rigorous testing and training along with the usual fitting of new equipment and team meetings to finalize next season's campaign. Upon arrival on Ukrainian soil the team rendezvoused at the palatial property of international pop sensation Chastity outside the northern edge of Kiev. From this sprawling Cossack castle which Chastity has turned into a disco/multi-million euro training facility/spa, the team headed due north 50 km to reach its preferred testing terrain near Chernobyl.

TWM's dedicated group of sport scientists have performed extensive research and determined the high radiation levels still found in the atmosphere of this region naturally elevates riders' hematocrit, testosterone and blood values in general, while at the same time permanently cloaking them in a cancerous haze which obscures even the strictest of doping controls the UCI can dish out.

Traveling to and training in the Ukraine requires a special "Gold Medal" visa (of which co-capt. and novice Mig 29 pilot Benedict Wheeler won 7 of last season) which enables TWM all access to the exclusion zone around Chernobyl as well as use of its military vehicles and aircraft while in the country. Due to the team's worldwide popularity, the use of this exclusion zone means thousands of kilometers of tifosi -free riding which is a welcome change from what the riders usually experience while training elsewhere in the world.

During their winter training camp, team riders not only spent hours perfecting their positions on their machines, but also engaged in team meetings and various seminars on a range of vital topics such as: moustache wax application, the finer points of embrocation selection, and how and when to properly seduce podium girls. The foreign contingent (non-"Norwalian", the sacred tongue of Norwegians made entirely from Italian ingredients) of TWM also found themselves in language class every day after massage in order to get up to speed on the team's native tongue. This component of the camp will prove crucial to race communication during the season, as all instructions and dialogue between riders and directeurs sportif is in "Norwalian" only.

Once the typical activities of it's winter camp were completed, the final, team-building phase of TWM's training camp took place in the skies above Eastern Europe. In order to emphasize what can be achieved when two teammates work closely together, as evidenced by last season's stunning Lago Vista win, TWM directeurs sportif split the team into pairs and placed each pair in the cockpit of a Ukrainian MiG 29 jet. Traditional team-building was taken to new levels as each TWM MiG 29 took to the skies to engage and harass the local peacekeeping wing of NATO's air defense. The hours spent dogfighting forged permanent bonds between members of TWM and taught them what can be achieved by cooperation, tenacity, and of course what happens when you hit the brakes and they fly right by.

After the rigorous 10 -day winter training camp ended, TWM relaxed on the flight home with martinis and champagne and entertained each other with stories of past victories. Each rider will spend the rest of the holidays with their families while undergoing personal training and coaching at Castle Hill Fitness Studio. The team will reconvene after the new year for a mini training camp before the grueling classics season arrives.

CIAO CIAO! ///P

TWM Winter Gold Medal Banquet

2007-11-15T21:47:00.001-05:00

Team Wooly Mammoth would like to announce its second annual winter banquet is going to be held this Sunday, November 18th, at 7pm at the private residence of the CEO of sub-title sponsor Castle Hill Fitness. All racers are urged to attend in order to get fitted for kits for next season as well as to take team photos, and of course to discuss European tactics and strategy. Mario Cipollini will be on hand to answer questions about the three most important things in life- romance...tradition...ultra... ///P

November 18th Official Team Gold Medal Banquet and New Sub-Title Sponsors

2007-10-14T18:09:00.000-04:00

The official team gold medal banquet will be held at a real Italians house (Paolo of Castle Hill fame). Team Captains Ammie and Benedict will be in Austin for a visit that entire week. At this banquet there will be a real Italian dinner, cooked by a real Italian. Expect pasta and plenty of gas (pronounced "gos"). There will also be team pictures taken by
Heidi Knight Photography for use in the Castle Hill Gym, so make sure your euro mullets and pointed side burns are expertly manicured in an ultra fashion. At this gold medal banquet we will also celebrate the one year anniversary of Benedict Wheeler winning the gold medal in the 2006 Waco Invitational.

In other news, Wooly Mammoth has worked hard in the past week to secure a new sub-title sponsor. After reviewing countless applications, Wooly Mammoth HQ is proud to announce that we have chosen to fly the banner for both RPM Aviation Group and Heidi Knight Photography. We would like to thank Patrick Romano and David Knight for working so diligently with us to make this happen.

Duped

2007-11-11T16:32:00.000-05:00

Now that the cold arctic months are upon us, and off-season training has begun in earnest, many pro teams take the time to test brand new products with their riders, in the hopes of achieving any imaginable edge they can over the competition. These winter training and testing sessions provide valuable feedback for the sponsor companies, as well as give the riders some experience with new or updated products before they hit the market and Joe Schmo Freddy rocks them on the local group ride.
Sometimes, however, component or bike sponsors can't keep pace with the demands of pro level riders, soigneurs and mechanics. When this happens and a team demands a product it's sponsor can't supply, the management has to make do with what they can scavenge from the high-end bike shops which dot the streets of European cities like the maillot à pois rouges. Anyone with eyesight sharper than a bat's could easily identify Zipp and Lightweight wheels cleverly disguised with an assortment of competitors stickers at this year's major stage races. Quickstep riders also preferred to race Time forks last season because Specialized could'nt come up with anything stiff enough to handle Mr. Boonen's sprint. The directeur sportif of Team Wooly Mammoth's southwest chapter recently encountered a similar situation with a major contributor to the team, Campagnolo.
In recent years Campy has refused to produce and offer white shifter hoods for their Ergopower Ultra Record shifters which are featured on TWM race bikes as well as in Chastity's team theme song. Due to the fact that white hoods are indeed much faster and the sensual characteristics far outweigh those of the everyday black shifter hoods, TWM dug deep into the team coffers (which were overflowing after last year's stunning season) and shelled out 113euros for the only white hoods currently available in the world. After harassing industry gurus and doggedly googling the interweb, Bike Tuning Parts (a small boutique shop in Germany) was contacted and three pairs of white shifter hoods were purchased and overnighted to waiting team mechanics. Even though TWM's mechanics deal with the lightest, most tech products on the market, they looked forward to discovering how the wily Germans managed to shave a purported 25 grams off the weight of regular black shifter hoods.
The answer arrived as soon as the Fed-Ex envelope was opened and its contents were hastily removed. The long sought after white hoods which appeared so pristine and glowing on the Bike Tuning Parts website were not the tried and true, molded Italian rubber which is characteristic of Campy's black hoods, but rather a styrofoamish medical grade polystyrene. The white color was apparently an effect added after the molding of the pu-foam and was applied just prior to packaging by a common spray-paint can. Unlike traditional hoods which fit snuggly over the lever assembly, the "BTP" white hoods are easily maneuvered into position and "secured" via two hand-cut velcro strips which mount underneath the hoods. As you grip the jenky, ill-fitting hoods, white spray paint flecks off on your hands, and the hoods shift about constantly- inspiring the confidence and security many of us have felt while courting pesky podium girls. All in all, a very sketchy, half-assed attempt to replicate the perfection that is Campagnolo.
Luckily the offseason has just started and these types of equipment issues and other minor predicaments are what gets sorted out through TWM's rigorous training and testing sessions. To avoid those pesky doping controls as well as to honor the secrecy of most of our sponsor's product R&D testing, small groups of TWM riders have gone to what could be called extreme measures in search of quiet and peaceful riding grounds. As always, most of the true training and testing goes on outside of the watchful eye of the tifosi as TWM has taken to riding at night during the week in secluded areas outside of Austin. ///P

Press Release- 09.10.07

2007-10-09T20:34:00.001-04:00

In the turbulent world of professional cycling, a world of doping allegations and sex scandals, it comes as no surprise that dependable sponsors are hard to come by and even harder to keep. Our situation falls into the latter of the two, as Wooly Mammoth Dinner Time has cited irreconcilable differences with their sub-title sponsor Avenue Photography. We deeply lament losing a sponsor that has provided us with so much over the years. Avenue's photography will no longer be used on our website, and their expertly designed logo will no longer be featured on the team kits.

Wooly Mammoth will actively be searching for a new sub-title sponsor for the 2008 season. New leads in Western Ukraine look promising. Stay tuned for further details.

With romance and tradition,

Team Captains Benedict Wheeler and Patrick Newell