TTT Tiki Tech

Fabian Cancellara's younger half-brother Tiki Collinsworth's custom Romancer TT helmet.

In preparation for the upcoming Texas State Championship Team Time Trial, Team Wooly Mammoth has been working with a team of Ukrainian scientists on more than just their doping program. In conjunction with Romancer's Olympic Rollerblade Racing R&D team, TWM has designed an ultra provocative helmet composed of fossilized mammoth ribs. Testing has already shown that it provides the ultimate aerodynamic style advantage over the competition, and wind tunnel tests have also produced spectacular numbers.

Aero and Provocative have never meshed so perfectly to illicit arousal.

Arousal figures have been off the charts and were demonstrated last year by TWM's secret testing which drew moans of approval from women and fancy men along the road. These figures were further backed up by a massive spike in the number of well endowed, incredibly handsome, illegitimate babies born in surrounding counties for 2009.

Feminine Bombast

The future of Team Wooly Mammoth: the unstoppable Katiki Forrest.

   In a supreme display of WOOLY force not witnessed since the early days of the Pleistocene period when Mammoths roamed freely across vast tundras while homosapiens were still grovelling in caves, Katiki Forrest rampaged to victory on Saturday in the quaint village known as Copperas Cove.  

   Forrest was aided on her journey to glory by the hard work of Jessica Russell who managed an 8th place finish after dutifully helping to annihilate the women's field during a brutally hot and windy race. 

   The race played out pretty much as most Texas races do when Team Wooly Mammoth is present- the field was at once terrified and intrigued by the savage power which Forrest and Russell displayed along their march to victory. 

    Russell utilized this "shock and awe" effect to perfection by going to the front of the pack early to ride any naysayers into submission.  The intimidation worked as Forrest joined her at the front of the whittled down field and proceeded to finish everyone else off, with the exception of one lone competitor.   And Forrest had plans for her.

Forrest trained in the same extreme conditions she was likely to see at Copperas Cove, and it paid off.

   As the finish line approached, the Wooly Mammoth newcomer took the win in style, narrowly edging out her rival on the line.  "Winning on a solo break is overrated, I wanted to give the fans something to remember... so I let that Rockwall Cycling rider tag along for the last few miles, but when it came down to the sprint," Forrest said, "I wasn't going to be denied... and she knew it."    

  Once she crossed the line Forrest gestured first to the Mammoth on her immaculate jersey, and then slapped her sculpted quads before pointing skyward.  "I just want Betty's femur to know how much it's missed.  We could have used its help today," she said, referring to teammate Betty Hodges' broken femur which prematurely ended her season.  

   Hodges injured her femur while stagediving at a Chastity concert in Budapest last month during a Kenny Loggins cover at the close of an epic three hour set.   

  Once she had dedicated the win to Hodges' femur, Forrest quickly ducked the doping control and headed back to the motherland with her trophy strapped to the top of the team car and the prize winnings overflowing the trunk.

Tino's Tots

Tattiano poses with the children. Surely the biggest moment of their young lives.

Known more for his fast finishes, fast women, and fast departures from hilly stage races, young sprinting sensation and first year Team Wooly Mammoth racer Tino Tattiano has recently embarked on a public campaign to help underprivileged youth from all over the world.

This high profile charity dubbed "Tino's Tots" uses funding from fans who give generously via the PayPal link on TWM's website to pay a full time stylist to help unfortunate kids with horrible hairstyles.

"Hair is a symbol of who you are," Tattiano explained, "it is hard for me to look upon the pathetic styles these parents give their kids and not want to do everything in my power to make a change- either in the length of the bangs or the swoop of the neck taper. You would be appalled at the neglect such young and promising follicles are subjected to... many of the delicate, fragile hairs on these precious young heads have yet to taste a high quality conditioner, or a simple hot oil treatment!"

The sprightly Ethan Frost shows off his recent

cut and mousse application courtesy of Tino's Tots.

A visibly upset, yet passionate Tattiano finished the press conference, attended by hordes of his adoring fans, with the touchingly humble statement, "these are basic needs. I'm just trying to show these kids that grooming builds confidence which is fundamental to physical well being... ask Cipo." With glassy eyes and a mournful sigh, the young superstar quietly muttered, "I'm no hero... I'm merely continuing the grand traditions of my idols Vidal Sassoon and Paul Mitchell, who were true philanthropists."

Tattiano has also launched a brand new website with dozens of photos of the children he's planning on helping through this benefit.

Al 13

This season Team Wooly Mammoth's racers have been turning heads with not only their highly erotic kits, but also with their Ukrainian made Romancer steeds nestled betwixt their heavily oiled legs.

The Romancer frame model, dubbed "the Provocateur", is made of an ultra space age polymer known as Al-u-minium, which is the first time this material has been used in any application outside of the aerospace field. The Al-u-minium used on all TWM Provocateur frames came from an abandoned MiG29 factory outside of Kiev.

Romancer's master frame builders together with a team of engineers worked closely alongside TWM racers to come up with a sprinting machine with the handling characteristics of a katana sword, the stiffness of Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa's male member, and the sensual lines of a Michelangelo sculpture.

This thoroughbred racing weapon is finished in a super lightweight paint also previously known only in the aerospace field for its anti corrosion characteristics, its aerodynamic properties, and its ability to slip undetected past enemy radar.

Provocative

Team Wooly Mammoth Junior Team Captain Jaime Dayo, Patricio Newellta's hand-chosen protégé, poses for his hero card at the conclusion of the team's annual training camp which was held this year in the Mammoths' native Norwalia. Following the grueling team camp, riders greeted the press in their new kits for the 2009 race season and an impromptu photo frenzy ensued. Even the press was enamored by the audacity of the new kit design, which Team Captains Juan Benedicto Wheelarosa and Patricio Newellta said stemmed from, "a desire for the kits to match all the gold medals which adorn our riders necks throughout each season." Desire Indeed...

2009 Team Wooly Mammoth Kit Spy Photo

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